Welcome, students. I am Professor Ned, tenured faculty member at the prestigious Institute of Capsaicin Studies, holder of the Flaming Ladle Chair, and the only professor whose office hours require a signed waiver.
If you’re here, it means one of three things:
- You are tired of the condescending looks when you ask your waiter for “no spice” at a Mexican restaurant and still have a glass of milk on standby
- You watch a lot of “Hot Ones” and want to handle the heat better than the guests
- You were gifted Eat Good Chili flakes and realized you may have underestimated them
Whatever brought you to this classroom, you’re in the right place. Today, we begin your journey into the world of heat, flavor, and questionable decisions.
Before we talk survival, we need to talk science — the fun kind.
Capsaicin: The Tiny Molecule With Big Attitude
Spicy heat comes from capsaicin, a compound found in chili peppers. It binds to the same receptors that detect physical heat, which is why your brain thinks you’re on fire even though you’re not.
Why Some Peppers Burn More Than Others
Peppers vary wildly in heat. The Scoville Heat Unit (SHU) scale measures how spicy they are:
| Pepper | SHU | What to Expect |
| Poblano | 1,000-2,000 | No Heat at All |
| Jalapeno | 2,500-8,000 | Delicious. Feeling the burn now. |
| Cayenne | 30,000-50,000 | When does it stop burning? |
| Habanero | 100,000-350,000 | OMG I’m dying |
| Ghost (Bhut Jokolia) | 800,000-1,000,000 | What’s the number for 911 |
| Carolina Reaper | 1,600,000-2,200,000 | Death |
How to Prepare for Spicy Food (Mentally and Physically)
1. Respect the Pepper. This is not fear — this is wisdom. Even medium‑heat flakes can surprise you if you’re not ready.2. Start Low, Go Slow. Add a drop of hot sauce, or a pinch of flakes or ground pepper, taste, adjust. You can ALWAYS add more heat. Once it's in there, however, it's not coming out. (This is on the test) 3. Keep the Heat on the Food, Not On Your Hands.
Eating hot food safely means eating in control. If hot wing sauce is on your fingers, it's going to be everywhere your fingers touch. Which also means...4. Don’t Touch Your Eyes (or Genitals). Professor Ned CANNOT stress this enough.
You will regret it.
You will remember it forever.5. Have a Dairy Shield Ready. Milk, yogurt, sour cream — these contain casein, which helps break down capsaicin.
Water? Useless.
Alcohol? Emotional support at best.How to Survive the Burn (When You Inevitably Overdo It)
1. Breathe Through It
It may hurt like hell, but nothing bad is actually happening. Panicking only makes it worse, so focus on your breathing. Capsaicin is temporary. Your dignity is forever.
2. Use Dairy, Not Water
A spoonful of yogurt or a sip of milk works wonders.
Water just spreads the fire around like a bad rumor.
3. Don’t Reach for Sugar or Alcohol
Sugar helps a little.
Alcohol does not.
Trust Professor Ned.
4. Ride the Wave
Heat comes in waves. Let it crest, let it fall.
You are stronger than the pepper.
(Probably.)
Beginner-Friendly Ways to Add Heat to Your Cooking
Start With Flakes, Not Whole Peppers
Flakes give you control. Whole peppers give you stories you’ll tell for years.
Try These Easy Add‑Ins:
- A pinch of New Mexico powder on (or mixed into) eggs
- A sprinkle of Sacred Flame Pepper Flakes on pizza
- A dash of Hot Taco Seasoning in ground beef
- Our Original Chili Seasoning, just use half as much!
Remember: Build heat gradually.
Professor Ned’s Final Exam (Don’t Panic — It’s Just One Question)
When adding hot sauce or pepper flakes to chili, it’s best to…
Thanks for taking my class, Spicy Food 101! I hope you had as much fun taking it as my AI did making it.
— Dead Ned the Chilihead, Purveyor of Flavor, PhD in Pepper Science, Chair of Capsaicin Studies, Dean of the Department of Questionable Decisions, and Eternal Mascot of Eat Good Chili. Former frontman of the punk rock band Scoville Riot, retired nuclear tester, and breeder of super‑hot peppers nobody asked for.
